The Secret Diaries of the Volturi aged 103,972
by owl-eats-waffles
Summary: Set directly after the events of Breaking Dawn, this never-before-published peice reveals the inside story of the most infamous and only vampire royal family in history. It contains extracts from the secret diaries of Aro, Marcus and Caius. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**The Secret Diaries of the Volturi (aged 103,972)**

_This is a not-for-profit story so please don't sue me, Stephanie Meyer _

**Chapter 1- The Battle That Never Was**

**Aro**

You have to admit, it was embarrassing. I mean, we set out to rid the world of an immortal child that could have destroyed the whole of Vampiredom, capture several new recruits for our private army, and possibly reduce the numbers of those very annoying Cullens. Instead, well, we ended up, to be frank, running away. Yes, it was embarrassing. Mind you, I think I took it rather well. Better than my brothers, anyway.

**Caius**

AAAaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Sorry. I had to get that out of my system before I exploded (Can vampires explode? Hmm, may have to test that out on the next person who annoys me… All in the name of science, of course…), or possibly set fire to something. I _do _find setting fire to things a _brilliant_ way of letting out my frustration. But Aro made it quite clear that if I ever burnt his doll's house again, he'd burn _me._ Normally when my brother tries to be evil, it just makes me laugh. He is really quite pathetic. But he _does_ get very nasty when you threaten the dollies and teddy bears. Did I mention pathetic?

But anyway. The reason for my screaming. I was looking forward to that battle. I really was. The Cullens are just so _annoying_. I think it's because they utterly fail to be evil., and they are so _nice. _It's sickening. And un-natural. Vampires _shouldn't_ _be _nice like that. It's a disgrace. But I'll get them somehow. Soon.

**Aro**

Well, would you believe it? My _darling_ brother, Caius, called me pathetic in his secret journal. And criticised my teddy bears. The poor things were almost burnt to a cinder, when he took his anger out on their poor house. And they are precious to me. Some are antiques, and all of them are _exceptionally _cute.

I found out about the truly unforgivable thoughts of my brother when he decided to show an evil plan to me: how to persuade the more talented Cullens (the shield, the mind reader and the psycho- sorry- psychic) that we are far cooler than anyone else. It was quite a good plan: telling them how everyone would think they were _amazingly _cool if they joined us. Everyone knows vampires can't resist being cool.

But I forgot the brilliance of the plan in my anger with my brother. It may have been mentioned before that I, as a very cool person, can see anything someone has ever thought. Well, Caius decided to share his evil plan with me via the medium of thought, and so I saw that he called me pathetic in his personal diary (oh, I do love being able to read personal diaries. Apart from when I'm insulted in them). Yes, he called me pathetic! Twice! Needless to say, I am outraged! I will make Caius pay!

**Marcus**

Oh God. They're arguing again. Caius called Aro pathetic, and now Aro's running round in a circle chasing him, wielding a photo of a werewolf. How boring.

Caius has started screaming now. If I wasn't so _very_ bored, it would be funny. But I am so _very_ bored.

I have developed a headache. A very painful headache. I wish Caius would stop screaming. I wish Aro would stop shouting. I wish I wasn't so bored.

_Three hours later_

That's it! It's been three hours, and they still haven't shut up! I'm going to bed! I don't own a bed, but I don't care! When I buy a bed, I wont be able to go to sleep, but I don't care about that either. It cant be any worse than watching those two idiots. Night. Well, day…

God, I'm bored.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Sorry for the delay, but my mind went on holiday to France and forgot to invite me, leaving only just enough thought power to get me through my mountain of homework. I'm using this story as a bit of light relief, so there isn't really much plot at the moment. I hope you enjoy it anyway though. Owl X**_

**Chapter 2**

_In which the editor discovers that, due to overzealous editing, the previous chapter had little to do with the title. The editor then proceeds to hum guiltily, but say, "Oh heck, lets carry on with the story anyway!" And so that is what we'll do._

_Ahem._

Jane

Never before have I felt so useless. As if it wasn't bad enough not being able to torture that Bella when she was human, I then find that, now she's a vampire, she shields everyone. It's not fair!

*

Intermission

_Editor_

_I apologise for the break in transmission. Unfortunately, Jane has gone off on a temper tantrum and has neglected to continue writing for us. We will therefore be playing clips from the popular television series "Vampires do the funniest things" until Jane returns._

*

Jane

I apologise. I truly do. But sometimes my temper can get _so _out of hand. I have tried to do something about it, I really have. But there aren't any anger management classes for evil vampires who look like practically-eatable seven-year-olds. I did once try to go to one of the _normal _anger management classes, but, well… um… I got rather angry with the human running the class, and then... Aro got rather angry with me…

Well, he actually told me that if I ever risked exposing us as vampires again he would make me regret it. I'm not sure _how _he intended to make me regret it, as I really doubt Aro could think of anything that would scare me. He is just far too camp. And I'm his favourite. A position that I fully intend to exploit. Because, you see, I am going to try and convince him to fight the Cullens again. You could say that I'm going to set him on them. Oh, they really do annoy me…

Aro

I have to admit it- Jane is good. Almost up to evil genius standard. I am even willing to forget that she called me camp (I may have mentioned that seeing people's personal diaries is yet another amazing thing about being me), in light of her idea. A rematch with the Cullens. I just have to get all of their friends back to help them, and then we can have a proper fight. I can just see the headlines:

**ARO DEFEATS CULLEN RABBLE DUE TO HIS UNRIVALED COOLNESS.**

Oh yes. I'll be even more popular than I am now. Every vampire will know my name and want my autograph. Caius will be green with envy when I get all the credit (can vampires go green? I may have to test that out on the next person who annoys me). The Cullens will be obliterated. I'll get the mind reader, the psychic and the shield. Marcus will be less bored if there's a decent fight…

Marcus

I wouldn't bet on it.

Aro

…I can put Caius in charge of fighting the werewolves and watch him scream. I can be acknowledged as the coolest vampire I the whole world. I can make Caius the laughing stock of the vampire world when I record him screaming at werewolves on my iPhone.

Yes, truly Jane is a genius. I may have to promote her.

Alec

I'm slightly ashamed to admit that I'm just a teeny bit apprehensive. My sister is absolutely overjoyed, and there must be a reason for it. A reason that I'm not sure I really want to know. Because, knowing Jane, it's something that will involve me risking my life. Again. Oh yes, it'll be evil, probably inspired, but I don't like to remember the 97.9982% of her plans that have failed, and the further 43.693% that have resulted in loss of life for a member of the Volturi.

But Aro will let her go ahead. He worships the very ground she walks on. I'm surprised that Sulpicia stands for it. But even she would fail to convince Aro that Jane's plan is a bad idea. Aro has very selective memory where my sister is concerned. Not that I'm at all bitter, of course…


End file.
